TRUSTING THE ONE YOU LOVE

Sara Gilman, M.F.T., F.A.A.E.T.S.
Marriage & Family Therapist
Fellow, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress

Category: RELATIONSHIPS
Living Better Magazine, June 2001

Have you ever been betrayed? Have you betrayed the one you love. Most likely we have all been on at least one side of the coin. Betrayal may be a strong word, however, a break down of trust in an intimate relationship can ruin a good relationship. Trust and respect are the foundation upon which a good relationship is based. It is important to remember that the integrity and the honor of the individual is the primary measurement of trust. The trust in the relationship is only as strong as you trust the individuals. Certainly there are specific things people do which enhance trust or break it down. This simple formula can serve as a guideline: "words and behaviors must match." When words and behaviors don't match, further inquiry and communication are necessary.

As described by the Cary Counseling Center, the following syndromes are the most lethal to a relationship because they severely fracture trust and respect. If your relationship involves on or more of these toxic syndromes, it is best to seek professional help. In fact, your own attempts to confront the other party may seriously backfire.

Drug Affected: Either partner is frequently using alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, or other mood altering chemicals. The relationship is then governed by the affects of the chemicals. Deception is used to hide the problem, and unpredictability is the norm.

Third Party Contamination: Either party is keeping contact with another person with whom they have previously had a sexual/emotional bond. One foot in, one foot out.

Intentional Deception: Either person intentionally tries to lie or deceive the other in order to avoid exposing broken agreements or irresponsible behavior.

Less Toxic Syndromes

• Pursuer-Evader Syndrome: One party is more comfortable with the expression of intense feelings. The other person dreads intensity, especially heated conflict.
• Delinquent Helper Syndrome: One person (the task master) has somehow wound up with all of the responsibility for overseeing the household chores. The other doesn't 'help.' The 'task master' reminds them; the delinquent helper often 'forgets' without reminders.
• "Sneaky" Spending Behavior: One person is trying to reduce spending to live within the realistic budget, the other is often unmindful of what they spend.
• Conflicting levels of Sexual Interest: One person wants it more, the other wants it less. Different levels of sexual drive are normal, however most couples don't talk to one another about it and hurt feelings grow.